The One Phrase I’m Wiping from My Vocabulary Right Now
- Mary
- Feb 10
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 21
Today, I had an interesting situation, and it taught me something important. One that made me take a step back and reflect on what I was really trying to accomplish.
While wrestling with an unexpected work issue this morning—which started almost immediately after getting to the office—I felt very tempted to utter four little words to more than one person that would have completely derailed the situation: “I told you so.”
It’s a phrase I’ve no doubt that we’ve all wanted to use at some point. It bubbles up when we see a mistake unfold exactly as we predicted.
In reality though, I couldn’t have predicted this exact situation.
It’s tempting because, in that moment, it feels validating to let others know that we saw something coming. It feels like we called something correctly, and that feels good to our egos.
Right?!
But let’s take a deeper look at what, “I told you so” actually does and why we would be better off by removing it from our vocabulary immediately.
What "I Told You So" Really Does
Shuts Down Communication – The second we say it, we create a wall between ourselves and the other person. It signals that we’re more interested in proving ourselves right than in moving forward together.
Centers the Conversation on You – It’s a self-focused statement. Instead of helping the team or situation improve, it makes it about our own foresight rather than a collective solution.
Damages Relationships – If the goal is to make sure the relationship with a coworker remains rocky, then by all means, say it. But if we want to foster collaboration and trust, it has no place in our conversations.
What’s the Real Goal?
After I took time to reflect, I started to realize something: Was it more important for me to be right, or was it more important to ensure we were having the best customer service experience possible?
The answer was obvious. My role as a leader isn’t about proving points—it’s about serving the team and our customers.
Instead of saying "I told you so” to team members, sometimes it’s better to assume lack of knowledge with all parties involved (myself included) rather than ill intent.
Then, we can focus on creating clarity on the roles and responsibilities. It sets the stage for collaboration and forward movement together as a team rather than putting ourselves at odds with other people.
Focusing on how we could learn from the situation rather than pointing fingers is an amazing cure to the frustration and the need to be right.
Perspective Shift: Everyone Thinks They’re Right
Things from our own perspective seem so clear—but here’s the kicker: The other person thinks the same thing.
They believe in their decisions just as much as you believe in yours. That’s why approaching situations with curiosity rather than judgment leads to better outcomes.
It also allows for grace when you are wrong about a situation.
A Timely Lesson from Kahneman's 'Illusion of Understanding’
Funny enough, the current book I'm listening to, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, delves into the concept of the "illusion of understanding."
In Chapter 19, Kahneman discusses how we often create narratives to explain events, leading us to believe we understand their causes when, in reality, many outcomes are influenced by random factors.
This tendency to construct stories can result in cognitive illusions, where we overestimate our ability to predict and understand events.
Reflecting on my recent experience, I realize that my urge to say "I told you so" stemmed from this illusion of understanding.
Kahneman's insights inform me that my confidence in wanting to say “I told you so” was misplaced.
Recognizing this misplaced confidence helps me shift my focus from seeking validation to fostering a collaborative environment, acknowledging the complex and unpredictable nature of our work.
The Takeaway
Leadership isn’t about being right. It’s about fostering an environment where people feel safe to learn, grow, and improve.
Leading with curiosity allows for a more productive conversation to move us forward.
Before speaking, ask: “Is my goal to be right, or is my goal to serve?”
If the answer is to serve, then we should let “I told you so” go. Our teams—and our leadership—will be better for it.
I love this post and I and couldn’t agree more. As someone preparing to go into the field of clinical mental health counseling, it is so important for me to humble myself and be a facilitator for my clients in making their own decisions intentionally and sticking to their personally defined values. It’s definitely a field where it’s so important to check my defenses! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you, Mary, for sharing such an insightful and reflective piece. The temptation to utter "I told you so" is one that we've all grappled with at some point. Your reflections beautifully illustrate how this seemingly simple phrase can have profound consequences on communication, relationships, and leadership.
Shutting Down Communication: You hit the nail on the head. When we say "I told you so," we create barriers instead of bridges. It’s a phrase that prioritizes being right over being effective, and it hinders the open dialogue necessary for collaborative progress.
Damaging Relationships: This point resonates deeply. Trust and collaboration are the bedrock of successful teams. By avoiding "I told you so," we foster a more supportive and cooperative environment.
Focusing…
I believe we all get in that mindset of “I told you so” and it’s so important to stop and think and reevaluate what is going on in that’s current environment you’re in before continuing with that mindset! I feel as if that “I told you so” mindset can negatively influence you because it can affect your ability to think logically and clearly. As a leader, I feel as our goal is to serve even when we want to make haste decisions and being a leader we have to stop and think then react. Loved this discussion!!